Patrick Stapleton

The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board claims it has devised a unique way to rectify its negative public image once and for all.

“Frankly, we grew tired of being called evil communist overlords” said PLCB Chairman Patrick Stapleton “The Wino 9000 will forever change the way people in this state think of their Liquor Control And Compliance Czars.”

The Wino 9000 will autonomously vend nearly 5 different varieties of bottled wine, and 40 varieties of boxed wine. At a total development cost of over $500 Million, it represents the cutting edge in automated inebriation.

The PLCB is slated to deploy hundreds of the devices in convenient locations throughout the state. Scheduled to receive a Wino 9000 in Beaver County are: the Court House, the waiting room for the emergency department of Heritage Valley, the teacher’s lounge of Beaver Area High School, and ADA Florrence’s River Edge Golf Club.

Stapleton says Wino 9000 not only validates that the purchaser is indeed human before dispensing alcohol, but also makes sure they aren’t already intoxicated.

“We don’t want the public to feel that Wino 9000 takes advantage of drunk people. It has an impressive ability to determine if someone’s already plastered” explains Stapleton “People simply wrap their lips around its unit and blow until the Wino 9000 is satisfied, at which point it will dispense. If Wino 9000 is not satisfied after the blowing, nothing will come out. It’s that simple.”

In related news, lawmakers in Pennsylvania have announced that the state has officially changed its legal drinking age to “any persons capable and mature enough to obtain their parent’s driver’s license.”